Thursday, February 11, 2016

big things

My life is full do big things, huge things, monumental things at the moment. Amazing opportunities and possibilities. Medical issues with no answers. Life's dramatically changing that deeply affect me but aren't mine. Giant meetings to run. Phone calls to doctors to make. Rallying of some people. Emotional support for others. 

So many unknowns it's hard to wrap my head around all of them. 

Some will work out. Some won't. Some could be phenomenal. Others could suck. 

All will be life changing. 

Sigh. 

Today I'm wishing for status quo. 

Monday, February 8, 2016

not writing

Writing. Putting words to thoughts. Moving idea for the mess in my head outside somehow makes them more real. Formally acknowledges their presence.  Gives them power. 

For now, I prefer to live without concreteness. Because saying all that's going on means I have to deal. 

And I don't want to. 

That's my biggest writing roadblock right now. 

Not wanting what is to be true. 

Sunday, February 7, 2016

next

I don't know what's next. 

I don't angst about it like I used to. 

I don't need to know. 

I'm more comfortable with the unknown than I ever have been. 

Sort of. 

I can't tell if this calmer outlook is because I'm growing up. Getting older. Or giving in. 

Part of me wishes I could rekindle my passion and energy and drive. And part of me is nothing but relieved to not be so driven anymore. 

Saturday, February 6, 2016

delving

I used to use this space to delve deeper into some serious issues. I bared my soul. I shared my fears. I opened my insecurities to the world. Which, at the time, was a welcome release. 

Part of me wishes I could still do that. There's much inside me right now that needs a place to go. Aging parents. Aging me. Aging kids. College. High school. Menopause. Career paths. Volunteering. Politics. Racism. Health. Wealth. The state of the city. The state of the country. The wars in the world. 

Overwhelming. 

Writing it out doesn't feel right at the moment. It's almost too much to contend with and so it's less emotional to plough through my extensive to do list and not address the other parts of things, no matter how important, intense, pervasive they are. 

Sigh. 

My mantra of the moment helps me through these unknowing, ever changing bits: this too shall pass. And from mud comes beauty. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

next up

I could contact fellow PTA's about unfair funding. Work on marketing strategies for my newish business. Research femcare advertising for a possible project. Send out invoices. Look into car service packages. Delve into one of the many book ideas I have that I haven't explored yet. Clean my living room. Make dinner. 

Be productive. 

But instead I'm just going to sit here a little longer and feel pretty ok about not doing any of the above or anything else. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

swirling thoughts

Well, not really swirling. Regular meditation has turned down the swirl volume significantly. But these days, without a project to totally immerse myself in, new ideas float in fairly often. 

Sadly, they float out almost as quickly without my having acted on them. 

An idea arrives. I work it through a bit in my head. And then off it goes without having been fully explored or put out in the world in any real way. These days it's public education. Unfair funding. High school admissions. The college process. The state of politics both nationally and in MYC. Bureaucracy. The frustration of trying to make changes. Menstruation has popped up again. 

I wonder if I should focus on one area again. One argument. One point of view and let all the rest go. But nothing is consuming me the way things used to. 

I take that as a sign of health and balance. But I miss the drive and the end of day accomplishments. 

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

under the radar

I've been feeling lately that I'm not accomplishing much - not the way I did when I went from project to project, book to book, back to back to back endevours that absorbed all my time, creativity, energy. 

It's been a long time since I lost my soul to things like that, things that consumed me and took over my life. I don't particularly miss them. The highs were glorious but the lows almost broke me at times and I know I don't want to go back to those dark places again. 

Tonight though, I saw what I've been quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) fighting for was heard. Information shared. People educated. Processes explained. That perhaps my final outcomes aren't going to be concrete books on shelves or public acknowledgements of what I've done, but instead an internal thumb's up to myself, a quiet knowledge that I'm making a difference. That I'm helping. 

It's not nearly as public. But remarkably satisfying.