Friday, April 29, 2016

grounding

I'm in the air. About to land. Fourth time visiting my mom in 2 months. 

This time she's ok. 

But I find no matter how she is, she's grounding. 

The experience is grounding. The sameness. The palm trees in the airport. 

The smiling clerks at supermarkets. 

The light colored cars that all look the same. 

One day it won't be the same. 

But today I'm nothing but relieved to disappear into the familiarity. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

stories

Yesterday I had one of those once in a lifetime, how did I get to do this, outside my comfort zone experiences. 

I talked about being a mom. 

It seemed like it would be easy. Being a mom is my most important role. It defines me in a way nothing else has or will. It made me, changed me. Shaped me.

Forced me to grow and let go. 

To be stronger and kinder. 

To channel patience at levels I never knew possible and in all that discover compassion I didn't know was in me. 

And learn what the depths of love truly are. 

But talking about it was actually hard. Almost impossible at points. I was awed by the other mothers I met and felt unworthy to be there after listening to  their struggles and realities. 

But one woman said to me: everyone has a story, and that helped. A bit. 

I spent hours in a holding room, then worked with wardrobe - they liked my style and I wore my own eclectic stuff that looked much better everything was steamed. I sat in hair/make up. Was wired for sound and let to a wooden stool on a dark set. The direct was behind a screen, her face reflected in a mirror I could see. Crew and clients were off to the side, bathed in darkness watching me on monitors.  

I've been interviewed plenty of times before, but this was different. I wasn't talking about a subject I'd researched or a cause I was fighting for. 

I was talking about me. 

Whew.  

I teared up far more than I expected to. I got lost in answers. I wasn't making points I wanted to. In fact, it wasn't about making points at all. I walked off set relatively certain I bombed the whole thing and that everyone was relieved when I stopped talking. 

But that's part of motherhood too. Not always being perfect or fine or right. Sometimes, as my little one says, it's just about being present and listening. 

Yesterday, I was present. I listened. I met remarkable women and am grateful to have shared their stories and glimpses into their lives. 

This was all for a project that will be online for Mother's Day. Sitting here I'm doubting I'll make the final cut. But the experience itself was one I will never forget. I was proud, nervous, uncomfortable, honest, empathic, relieved, in the moment, on the spot. 

And isn't that what motherhood is about?

Saturday, April 23, 2016

hmmm

I mean to write. 

I think about writing. 

I even start sometimes. 

But life gets away from me. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

change

It's imminent. 

In the air. 

Around the corner. 

On one hand I am so super excited to watch my child expand her horizons. 

On the other I am going to be quietly broken hearted that she won't be part of my day to day soon. 

But, for now, I'm holding tight to the thrill and pride and amazement at who she is, what she's accomplished, and where she's heading. 

Monday, April 18, 2016

loved


No matter how crazy things get, no matter scary or out of control or overwhelming or intense or confusing or conflicting, I never doubt that I am loved. 

And that is one of the things I am most grateful for. 

It's not often that I see something that I have to have, but this bracelet spoke to me. Nice to have a constant reminder that love is always there. Should you fall in love too: https://www.etsy.com/shop/CynicalRedhead

Saturday, April 16, 2016

cranky

I am cranky. 

Burnt. 

Wiped out. 

Frazzled. 

Grumpy. 

Crotchety. 

Exhausted. 

Annoyed. 

Headachy. 

Irritated. 

Ambivalent. 

I can't figure out what to eat. I can't get a good night's sleep. 

It's been a stretch of challenges on every conceivable level and the positive part of me, that's usually got the upper hand, seems to have thrown in the towel.  

Rain and clouds would be perfect right about now. Even this beautiful blue spring sky is getting on my nerves. 

I'm looking forward to being able to look forward again. 

 

words

Internal bleeding. 

That conjures up all sorts of not positive scenarios. 

Dropping hemoglobin. 

Another transfusion. 

We don't know. 

We'll have to see. 

That was yesterday. It's hard, no it's close to impossible to completely breathe deep with those words hanging out in space. Doubt engaged. Fear piqued. Waiting for news that could be fine or catastrophic. 

Bleeding ulcer in the esophagus. 

That was today. And amazingly that was amazing news. A finite answer. A relatively quick fix. 

Hope is the new worry. 

Optimism is the new doubt. 

With all that positivity though comes the post stress crash. Relief that all is ok with exhaustion and apathy thrown into the mix as things settle back down to this new status quo.